Here we go again.

Day 1, again. I’ve had several of those the past nine months. It makes me sad to think of where I might be today had I been able to stick to the 100 Day Challenge and beyond when I wrote my last and only post. I’m going to try to write here every day. I’m going to put down through the course of this blog all of the problems alcohol has caused for me (at least the ones I remember). It’s probably going to take up quite a bit of “real estate” here. It is a very long list.

The first time I had a beer I was 10. I was with my sister who was 16 at the time and gave me weed and marlboro cigarettes to smoke and beer to drink. I thought I was pretty cool. I remember showing some of the kids in my 5th grade class how to roll a joint with pencil shavings. Nice right? Then I went through a period of hating alcohol because it was causing such problems for my parents with my sister. I started drinking pretty regularly when I was 15. Everybody had cars and booze was so easy to get. The first time I got arrested I was 16. I was at a party when the police showed up and picked a few kids up. I was put in the back of a police car with a kid who was puking. Again, nice. No charges were pressed and my Dad was able to come pick me up. That was the first time alcohol had caused me a big problem. If only I had known then what I know now.

I have to keep reminding myself of all of the trouble and problems alcohol has caused for me. I think the only way I’m going to get through this is to remind myself daily how much it has cost me, literally and figuratively. It’s always so easy the first few days because the self-loathing is so prevalent. The longest I’ve gone so far since I started this blog back in March was 32 days. Right now I’m shooting to beat that goal I know I can.

There will also be 100 reasons every day to not drink. Here is today’s: EXPENSE. I’ve been a heavy drinker for 23 years. I’ve been drinking longer than that, but for the sake of calculation I’m going with number of years I have been of legal drinking age. There have been quite a few of those days where I didn’t drink, but I certainly made up for it on the days that I did. So I’m going to go with the fact that I’ve spent at least $10.00 / day on booze if you average it all out. So that’s 8,395 days @ $10.00 / day = $83,950, which doesn’t even begin to include the cigarettes I had to have while drinking or the other things I would buy because my rational decision making process had shut down because of the booze. It also doesn’t cover the cost of DUIs, crashed cars or missed work because I was so hungover.

I think you can wander through your life in a complete sense of denial, like you’ve forgotten that these things happened or that you behaved in a certain way. Once you put them out there for all to see you realize how very real these experiences and poor decisions were. I’m so lucky I’m still married, not in jail and not dead.


Day 3 – Be Kind To Yourself – Others Too!

Day 3 – Remember to be Kind to Yourself – and Others.

Well, here I go on Day 3. One of the problems that I have been experiencing lately is terrible insomnia. I haven’t been sleeping well when I drink, I haven’t been sleeping well when I don’t. I’m sure the anxiety I feel over the amount I drank the day before has a big part to play in the anxiety and busy brain that keeps me from sleeping on the not so frequent off drinking days. I’m also in my mid 40s and starting to have pretty frequent hot flashes. I believe they are part of the problem as to why I wake up so often during the night.

So when I went to bed last night with my husband (that usually doesn’t happen either because I stay up later than he does to finish whatever booze is in the house) we watched an episode of Chopped and he fell asleep next to me snoring quietly. I turned the TV off and tried to get comfortable, optimistic for a good night’s sleep. After all, it’s been two whole days since I’ve had anything to drink – I’m practically back to normal. Right? So I go through my typical wake up 4-5 times, burning up and having to throw off the covers ’til it passes and I’m freezing again and can cover up and try to go back to sleep. I’m having a really pleasant dream (which doesn’t happen often either) and I’m shaken awake at 5:15 am by my husband because I’m snoring. I can’t remember the last time I had really good REM sleep and I am pissed! Boy did I jump out of my skin telling him how awful he was for waking me up. So I got up, stomped around the house for a bit and decided to go ahead and jump in the shower. Then it occurred to me that when my still short temper wants to jump all over someone, to react with kindness and understanding is the better answer. I’ve been so caught up in being kind to myself through this very new process I need to remember to be kind to those who have put up with me and be grateful that they are still around.

Day 2 – Stop Lying to Myself


Good morning. It is Day 2 of my 100 Day Challenge and I’m feeling pretty good about things. I received my homework from Belle with the 100 Day Challenge and I’m eager to sit down and come up with small treats for myself. I think it is so easy to forget how important and meaningful the little things in our lives are. I have been so wrapped up for so long in feeling like shit all of the time, having no sense of calm or gratitude for any consistent period. I read a piece on Facebook today. It was a list of 30 things to stop doing. The one that really resonated with me was to “Quit Lying to Yourself.” I’ve been lying to myself for so long that I don’t even know what my personal truth is. I hope through this journey I can learn a bit about who I am and where I want to be. I want my world moving forward to be a “Fog Free Zone!”

It’s crazy to me how my emotions seem to change from minute to minute. When I started my morning I was feeling good, optimistic about my future. Now all I can do is pace around my house not knowing what to do next, filled with anxiety.  I have projects but I don’t even know where to start.

Day 1 of the 100 Day Challenge

Well, here we go. Day 1 of the 100 Day Challenge. I’m scared to death but an early death is where I’m headed if I don’t stop drinking. I’m going to commit to writing here every day to remind me of my mission. I’ve tried to get sober so many times and have never taken it seriously. I hope to depend on the sober blogging community for support, compassion and strength. I’m new to blogging and although it is anonymous right now it is still very intimidating. Forcing myself to be honest about my alcoholism is a very scary prospect. I don’t want this disease. Why is it so hard to accept and treat through abstinence? Why is alcohol so very important to me? I’m a 43 year old woman (soon to be 44) and I’m disgusted with myself. I just celebrated my 3rd year wedding anniversary and I want to live a long, healthy life with my husband. He is more than willing to quit with me. I don’t want to tell him about the 100 Day Challenge yet because he won’t believe that I’ll do it. We both agreed to quit smoking and drinking for Lent. That lasted 6 days. He isn’t the one with the drinking problem, I am. Life without booze for good this time? Yea right. All I know is that I’m not going to drink today. The next few days will be the easy ones. After I get through the day today the memory of the weekend will fade and I’ll be feeling good about myself again. That is when I have to keep my defenses up. That is when the Wolf in my head will tell me that things will be different this time and I can have a glass of wine or that cocktail. I don’t even think I like the way vodka-soda tastes anymore but I keep drinking it. That’s crazy.

I’ve got so much anxiety today. I’m so scared to examine my past and all of the problems alcohol has created in my life. I want so desperately to jump forward three months from now and be grateful that I’ve done it this time.  My morning has been spent perusing sober blogs. There is comfort to be taken in this community of people and all of the shared experiences.

I decided to tell my husband. I need his support and I don’t want to fail him or myself like I always do. I can be bigger than the booze! My desire to live a healthy life has got to be stronger than my desire to drink.  I’ve written the #1 on the white board in the kitchen. One day sober. I can’t wait until tomorrow morning so that I can change it to a 2.