Well, here we go. Day 1 of the 100 Day Challenge. I’m scared to death but an early death is where I’m headed if I don’t stop drinking. I’m going to commit to writing here every day to remind me of my mission. I’ve tried to get sober so many times and have never taken it seriously. I hope to depend on the sober blogging community for support, compassion and strength. I’m new to blogging and although it is anonymous right now it is still very intimidating. Forcing myself to be honest about my alcoholism is a very scary prospect. I don’t want this disease. Why is it so hard to accept and treat through abstinence? Why is alcohol so very important to me? I’m a 43 year old woman (soon to be 44) and I’m disgusted with myself. I just celebrated my 3rd year wedding anniversary and I want to live a long, healthy life with my husband. He is more than willing to quit with me. I don’t want to tell him about the 100 Day Challenge yet because he won’t believe that I’ll do it. We both agreed to quit smoking and drinking for Lent. That lasted 6 days. He isn’t the one with the drinking problem, I am. Life without booze for good this time? Yea right. All I know is that I’m not going to drink today. The next few days will be the easy ones. After I get through the day today the memory of the weekend will fade and I’ll be feeling good about myself again. That is when I have to keep my defenses up. That is when the Wolf in my head will tell me that things will be different this time and I can have a glass of wine or that cocktail. I don’t even think I like the way vodka-soda tastes anymore but I keep drinking it. That’s crazy.
I’ve got so much anxiety today. I’m so scared to examine my past and all of the problems alcohol has created in my life. I want so desperately to jump forward three months from now and be grateful that I’ve done it this time. My morning has been spent perusing sober blogs. There is comfort to be taken in this community of people and all of the shared experiences.
I decided to tell my husband. I need his support and I don’t want to fail him or myself like I always do. I can be bigger than the booze! My desire to live a healthy life has got to be stronger than my desire to drink. I’ve written the #1 on the white board in the kitchen. One day sober. I can’t wait until tomorrow morning so that I can change it to a 2.